BASIC RULES FOR DRIVING IN INVERNESS

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BASIC RULES FOR DRIVING IN INVERNESS

Indicating will give away your next move. A real Inverness driver
never indicates.

Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you
and the car in front of you, or somebody else will fill in that space,
putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you
have of getting hit.

Braking is to be done as hard and as late as possible to ensure that
your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake
pedal pulsates.
For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.

Learn to swerve abruptly. Inverness is the home of High-Speed Slalom
Driving thanks to the Highland Council, which puts potholes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes.

Seeking eye contact with another driver revokes your right of way.

Never take a green light at face value. Always look right and left
before proceeding.

Real Inverness women drivers can put on a pair of tights and apply
mascara on the outside lane of Milburn Road at 50 mph in bumper-to-bumper traffic.

Real Inverness men drivers can remove tights and a bra on the
outside lane of Milburn Road at 50mph in bumper-to-bumper traffic.

Heavy fog, rain and snow are no reasons to drive UNDER the speed
limits.
These weather conditions are God's way of ensuring that Anderson
Clark in Carsegate has plenty of work all year round.

There is a commonly held belief in Inverness that highspeed
tailgating in heavy traffic reduces petrol consumption as you get sucked along in the slipstream of the car in front. Inverness is very enviro friendly so stick close to the car in front.

Look out for cars with the sign 'Kids on Board' in their rear
window.

Due to the short attention span of kids now-a-days parents request
that other drivers keep their kids entertained by baring arses and
driving up so close to the car you see the whites of the kids eyes! Do not worry how scared the kids look it's only a game!

Always anticipate oncoming traffic while driving down a one way
street.

Drive illegally in all of our many Bus Lanes.

It's O.K when driving in Inverness's South Kessock Area to air your
grievances at bad drivers by giving the "one finger salute" while
screaming out "a** ehole". "But it is imperative you are driving at least a 5 litre V8 with a crowbar in your lap.

A Highlander friend of mine sent me this email - for those of you who have never driven in Inverness - please let it put you off!!!!

_________________
Of all the things I've lost it's my mind I miss the most.

A great day is 'when the shit hits the fan and I have time to duck!'